From pretty early on in our relationship, Kevin and I knew
we would one day adopt. It came up
casually in one of those “how many kids do you want to have?”
conversations. I remember it clearly. As we debated on whether 3 or 4 was the
perfect number, I asked, “Would you ever want to adopt?” Kevin’s answer was so confident. “Absolutely,” he replied. At that point, I’m pretty sure my response
went something like this: “God would really
have to slap me across the face to make it clear that we are supposed to
adopt. That’s not just something you do
because it sounds like a good idea.” So
over time, we settled at having 3 or 4 kids, and possibly adopting someday.
Years later, after we had our first son, we endured 2 miscarriages. While that was undoubtedly a tough experience, it was one of the most incredible times of learning clear lessons that God wanted to teach me…one of which was that He does, in fact, want us to adopt some day. Since then, I have had the same confidence that my husband had years before.
Now, as we are unsure of when exactly that will take place in our lives, we continue to talk and pray about it from time to time. One of the things that came up in a recent conversation between me and Kevin is that we need to begin communicating to our 2 boys what adoption is. We need them to know we will most likely be doing that as a family someday. We need them to know the purpose of adoption, and the incredible opportunity it is to pour out God’s love on someone who desperately needs it. It will certainly be an adjustment for our family, whenever that day comes. But the more we talk about it now, the more prepared Oliver and Isaac will be when it does.
So, you know I’m a firm believer in seizing opportunities to talk with your kids. Today, after I picked up Oliver from school, we were sitting at the kitchen table. He was making a couple birthday cards for some family members, and had picked out “Toy Story” stickers to use for decorating. He chose the 3 alien stickers to put on the front of one card, and began telling me all about how the aliens had no mommy and daddy and so Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head became their mommy and daddy. Perfect! So I proceeded to explain to him that the Potato Heads adopted the aliens, and I talked about how there are a lot of kids in the world who no longer have a mommy and daddy. I told him that one day we may invite one of those kids to be part of our family. At that point he got rather quiet. Oliver is a thinker. And so after pondering what I had just told him, he said something that gripped my heart and caused me to use all the strength I had to fight back tears. He looked at me and said, “You and Daddy aren’t ever going to leave me, are you?”
I was able to fight the tears at that moment, and I am thankful for that, since it would have surely put a damper on our birthday card making session. But now, as I write, those tears are pouring down my face as I consider the significance of Oliver’s words. You see, every single child is born with a desire to belong. Even at 3, Oliver knows he needs people around him to whom he feels connected. While he obviously does not yet use this term, he already knows he needs the love, acceptance, and safety that only a “tribe” can give. So I realize this was a rather long introduction to the next thing that all kids need. But here it is, plain and simple: “Tribes over time show us how we belong.” (http://secure.rethinkgroup.org/store4/product.php?productid=1649&cat=&page=1)
As a parent, you have a unique opportunity to provide your children with an unwavering sense of belonging. Sure, your kids will most likely grow up with a group of friends. But that will change, perhaps even from one day to the next. If your kids play sports, they will have teams. But when they become a teenager, it’s possible they may not make the cut. If you’re involved in church, and take your kids to small group (or Sunday School…whatever you choose to call it), that can certainly be a place where they connect. But even that will change. Their leaders change, probably each year. Generally, families are pretty inconsistent about attending church, so their classmates may vary each week. You, however, will not. You are the one influence in their life that will never change. You are who your child should be able to depend on, no matter what.
So when your daughter comes home from school in tears because her best friend ditched her for the popular girl…or your son’s dreams are crushed when he’s not quite good enough to make it through the final round of cuts at baseball tryouts…you have the ability to provide them with that sense of belonging that they so strongly desire. No one wants to be left out, and as long as you are their parent, you have the ability to prevent that from happening, at least at home.
That said, one of the sections of this chapter discusses the significance of family meal time. It’s no secret that over the years, meal time has somehow become marginalized as something most families don’t have time for anymore. Either they’re too busy running the kids to and from extra-curricular activities, or they simply don’t make the choice to have a time where everyone in the family sits at the table together to eat.
One of my dear friends used to teach 3rd grade. Several years ago, out of curiosity she asked the children in her class how many of them have dinner at the table with their family on a regular basis. Out of 25-30 kids, only a couple raised their hands. Some said they always eat on the go. Others said they all sit in front of the TV while they eat. A few even said that their parents eat in the kitchen while the kids eat in their bedrooms or in front of the TV. I will never forget my friend telling me about this, because it still makes me so sad to think about families who do not value that time. When I was growing up, among me and my 3 siblings, we always had something going on, whether it was football practice, violin lessons, etc. But almost every night we sat down together, as a family, to eat dinner. Sure, sometimes we didn’t eat until 8 o’clock. But every night, I knew that there was a specific seat at that table meant just for me. No matter what had happened that day at school, I could leave it behind and count on feeling loved and accepted by my family. There is no way for this to happen when dinner time is consistently eaten on the go or in front of the TV.
Kids need that unfailing reminder that they have a place. I love what the book says about this very thing. It says, “As the leader of a tribe, you have a unique role: think like a host. If you are a host, you know one of your key responsibilities is to make sure everyone has a seat. You don’t want anyone left standing. You want them to know they have a place reserved just for them. Remember Forrest Gump? As a kindergartner, he makes the long walk down the aisle of the school bus where kid after kid communicates the same message: ‘Seat’s taken!’ Then he hears ‘the sweetest voice in the wide world,’ Jenny’s voice: ‘You can sit here if you like.’“ Think about it: the security we, even as adults, feel when we know there is a place for us…kids are no different. In fact, they need that security even more than we do.
When I think about “tribes over time,” it’s difficult not to think about the fact that there are millions of kids out there who have no tribe. It’s easy to get depressed in wishing I could do more to lessen that number. And, as I have said, the plan is that we will one day lessen that number, at least by 1, through adoption. But I also think about the 2 kids that God has given me and Kevin right now. He has given us the privilege of seeing to it that Oliver and Isaac will always have a place; a tribe. I pray that we are doing all that we can to make sure they know they always have a seat at our table.
What about you? I challenge you to think about this for your own family. What are you doing to see to it that your child(ren) knows they are a part of your tribe? Do you prioritize time together? I know it’s easy to get busy, and sometimes we justify the busyness when we are involved in good stuff: church activities, sports, get-togethers with extended family, etc. But even the good stuff can get in the way of quality time together. If you are struggling to find that time on a consistent basis, you might want to reevaluate your schedule. Think back to the very first post of this series. Think about how many marbles you have left in your jar(s). We’re down to 806 with Isaac and 702 with Oliver.
Years later, after we had our first son, we endured 2 miscarriages. While that was undoubtedly a tough experience, it was one of the most incredible times of learning clear lessons that God wanted to teach me…one of which was that He does, in fact, want us to adopt some day. Since then, I have had the same confidence that my husband had years before.
Now, as we are unsure of when exactly that will take place in our lives, we continue to talk and pray about it from time to time. One of the things that came up in a recent conversation between me and Kevin is that we need to begin communicating to our 2 boys what adoption is. We need them to know we will most likely be doing that as a family someday. We need them to know the purpose of adoption, and the incredible opportunity it is to pour out God’s love on someone who desperately needs it. It will certainly be an adjustment for our family, whenever that day comes. But the more we talk about it now, the more prepared Oliver and Isaac will be when it does.
So, you know I’m a firm believer in seizing opportunities to talk with your kids. Today, after I picked up Oliver from school, we were sitting at the kitchen table. He was making a couple birthday cards for some family members, and had picked out “Toy Story” stickers to use for decorating. He chose the 3 alien stickers to put on the front of one card, and began telling me all about how the aliens had no mommy and daddy and so Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head became their mommy and daddy. Perfect! So I proceeded to explain to him that the Potato Heads adopted the aliens, and I talked about how there are a lot of kids in the world who no longer have a mommy and daddy. I told him that one day we may invite one of those kids to be part of our family. At that point he got rather quiet. Oliver is a thinker. And so after pondering what I had just told him, he said something that gripped my heart and caused me to use all the strength I had to fight back tears. He looked at me and said, “You and Daddy aren’t ever going to leave me, are you?”
I was able to fight the tears at that moment, and I am thankful for that, since it would have surely put a damper on our birthday card making session. But now, as I write, those tears are pouring down my face as I consider the significance of Oliver’s words. You see, every single child is born with a desire to belong. Even at 3, Oliver knows he needs people around him to whom he feels connected. While he obviously does not yet use this term, he already knows he needs the love, acceptance, and safety that only a “tribe” can give. So I realize this was a rather long introduction to the next thing that all kids need. But here it is, plain and simple: “Tribes over time show us how we belong.” (http://secure.rethinkgroup.org/store4/product.php?productid=1649&cat=&page=1)
As a parent, you have a unique opportunity to provide your children with an unwavering sense of belonging. Sure, your kids will most likely grow up with a group of friends. But that will change, perhaps even from one day to the next. If your kids play sports, they will have teams. But when they become a teenager, it’s possible they may not make the cut. If you’re involved in church, and take your kids to small group (or Sunday School…whatever you choose to call it), that can certainly be a place where they connect. But even that will change. Their leaders change, probably each year. Generally, families are pretty inconsistent about attending church, so their classmates may vary each week. You, however, will not. You are the one influence in their life that will never change. You are who your child should be able to depend on, no matter what.
So when your daughter comes home from school in tears because her best friend ditched her for the popular girl…or your son’s dreams are crushed when he’s not quite good enough to make it through the final round of cuts at baseball tryouts…you have the ability to provide them with that sense of belonging that they so strongly desire. No one wants to be left out, and as long as you are their parent, you have the ability to prevent that from happening, at least at home.
That said, one of the sections of this chapter discusses the significance of family meal time. It’s no secret that over the years, meal time has somehow become marginalized as something most families don’t have time for anymore. Either they’re too busy running the kids to and from extra-curricular activities, or they simply don’t make the choice to have a time where everyone in the family sits at the table together to eat.
One of my dear friends used to teach 3rd grade. Several years ago, out of curiosity she asked the children in her class how many of them have dinner at the table with their family on a regular basis. Out of 25-30 kids, only a couple raised their hands. Some said they always eat on the go. Others said they all sit in front of the TV while they eat. A few even said that their parents eat in the kitchen while the kids eat in their bedrooms or in front of the TV. I will never forget my friend telling me about this, because it still makes me so sad to think about families who do not value that time. When I was growing up, among me and my 3 siblings, we always had something going on, whether it was football practice, violin lessons, etc. But almost every night we sat down together, as a family, to eat dinner. Sure, sometimes we didn’t eat until 8 o’clock. But every night, I knew that there was a specific seat at that table meant just for me. No matter what had happened that day at school, I could leave it behind and count on feeling loved and accepted by my family. There is no way for this to happen when dinner time is consistently eaten on the go or in front of the TV.
Kids need that unfailing reminder that they have a place. I love what the book says about this very thing. It says, “As the leader of a tribe, you have a unique role: think like a host. If you are a host, you know one of your key responsibilities is to make sure everyone has a seat. You don’t want anyone left standing. You want them to know they have a place reserved just for them. Remember Forrest Gump? As a kindergartner, he makes the long walk down the aisle of the school bus where kid after kid communicates the same message: ‘Seat’s taken!’ Then he hears ‘the sweetest voice in the wide world,’ Jenny’s voice: ‘You can sit here if you like.’“ Think about it: the security we, even as adults, feel when we know there is a place for us…kids are no different. In fact, they need that security even more than we do.
When I think about “tribes over time,” it’s difficult not to think about the fact that there are millions of kids out there who have no tribe. It’s easy to get depressed in wishing I could do more to lessen that number. And, as I have said, the plan is that we will one day lessen that number, at least by 1, through adoption. But I also think about the 2 kids that God has given me and Kevin right now. He has given us the privilege of seeing to it that Oliver and Isaac will always have a place; a tribe. I pray that we are doing all that we can to make sure they know they always have a seat at our table.
What about you? I challenge you to think about this for your own family. What are you doing to see to it that your child(ren) knows they are a part of your tribe? Do you prioritize time together? I know it’s easy to get busy, and sometimes we justify the busyness when we are involved in good stuff: church activities, sports, get-togethers with extended family, etc. But even the good stuff can get in the way of quality time together. If you are struggling to find that time on a consistent basis, you might want to reevaluate your schedule. Think back to the very first post of this series. Think about how many marbles you have left in your jar(s). We’re down to 806 with Isaac and 702 with Oliver.
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