Thing 1: Time over Time

I will never forget the very first time Oliver buttoned his own shirt up all by himself.  I’m certain it was on a Sunday (every other day of the week he’s in t-shirts).  And Sundays, when you’re married to a pastor, are a single-parent effort to get the kids fed, clean, and looking halfway decent before running out the door at 8:30am.  So ever since Isaac, our 2^nd son, was born, I have been trying my best to teach Oliver, our oldest, to get ready by himself.  I began teaching him how to bring his own cereal bowl over to the sink when he was finished with breakfast.  I showed him how to brush his teeth all by himself.  He quickly learned how to put on his own clothes…until it came to those pesky buttons.

He worked at it relentlessly.  He’s the kind of kid that wants to be independent, and he wants to know how to do stuff.  But he’s also the kind of kid who gets extremely frustrated if the attempt is still unsuccessful after roughly 2 minutes.  So we endured many Sunday mornings of me sitting there with him, nervously watching the clock, knowing we needed to be out the door 15 minutes ago…but wanting to be patient for him as he worked on learning this skill.  Sometimes he would give in and let me button the shirt up for him (after first throwing a fit, of course).  Other times, he would insist that I show him again how to do it so he could keep trying.

But I’ll never forget the look on his face the first time he did it…ALL 5 or 6 buttons…completely by himself.  The look of sheer pride and accomplishment was priceless, and totally worth the countless attempts we had made over and over again prior to that day.  It took an effort of time over time in order to pass on this simple skill that will affect him for the rest of his life.  After all, it would be awfully weird if he still needed someone to button his shirt for him when he reaches his 20s!

The point is kids need a time over time effort in their lives…in way more areas than just how to dress themselves.  It begins with us, as parents, to take the time to be present in the lives of our kids.  This means that when your little ones are begging you to play Hide-and-Seek for the umpteenth time, and you’re exhausted after a long day at work, get over it and play with them.  It means when your son has taken an interest in drawing, but you are clueless because you just played sports your whole life, you better go invest in some pencils and a sketch pad because it’s time to draw with him.  It means when your high schooler plops down on the couch beside you, obviously bothered by something, turn off the TV and give them your undivided attention.

We’ve all been guilty of not giving our time to our kids.  We’re all busy.  We’re involved in countless activities at church, on sports teams, booster clubs, PTA, etc.  And it’s not necessarily bad to be involved in those activities.  But our kids need our time first.  They desperately need it. 

Since I have become a parent, I have had to learn to say “No.”  I figured this out early into parenthood, in fact.  Most mothers deal with the rollercoaster of emotions that flow after giving birth as their hormones are leveling back to normalcy.  After Oliver was born, I had only one emotional breakdown.  It happened when I attempted to solve the logistics of getting to church that first Sunday.  I wanted badly to go show off our new baby boy.  But I also wanted to hop right back into teaching my small group, as well as leading worship with the kids.  Oh, and I was breast feeding too, so the schedule of all that complicated things.  I burst into tears, and eventually came to the realization that all my responsibilities at church…while yes, they were important…did not compare to the new role and responsibility I now had as a mother.  If you are a parent, and there are still children living in your home, you are called to be a parent before you are called to be a soccer coach, a choir member, a school volunteer, a friend, or anything else.  It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t participate in these things.  It’s just that these things come secondary to your role as a parent.

In the book, Losing Your Marbles/Playing for Keeps (see blog post, “Time Flies”), it says that “It takes time over time to make a history worth repeating.”  When we spend time with our kids, we create memories that last.  And these memories are evidence that what we do matters to them.  Do your kids have any particular memories that they bring up from every once in a while?  When I was a kid, sometimes on summer nights, my parents would gather me, my sister, and my 2 brothers…we’d all pile on to my parents’ bed, and listen to my dad sing songs to us.  It’s such a simple memory, yet it’s one that remains superior above so many other events of my childhood.  It mattered to me then, and it still matters to me now as a 30-year old.

I cherished these nights, simply because it was my parents choosing to spend time with me and my siblings.  It showed us that they prioritized quality time with us.  It showed us that we mattered way more than being able to veg on the couch after a long and busy day.

It’s not hard to spend time over time with your children.  But it takes effort.  I challenge you to think about this next time you are about to make phone calls (or texts) while you’re driving home from picking your kids up.  Instead, try having conversation with them.  Ask them questions about their day.  I challenge you to think about this next time you are about to let your family sit in front of the TV to eat dinner again.  Instead, try sitting at the table as a family, and talk to each other.  Just think about those marbles in the jar…your opportunities to spend time with your kids decrease with every day that goes by.